I used to watch pornography, and breaking free from that grip was no joke. But you know what? God set me free, and I want to share five things that helped me..
Let’s be honest: overcoming addiction isn’t a walk in the park. If you’ve reached out for help in the past, you may have been given advice like, “Just stop watching porn.” I was given that advice too, and it’s not helpful. Even if we are able to muster up the strength to stop one behavior, if we don’t get to the root issues, we end up turning to other behaviors. For example, I’ve seen many women stop watching porn, but now they have a problem with binge eating. They just replaced one behavior for another.
There are many negative effects of porn addiction, and you’ve come to the right place to begin your healing journey. If you’re asking, “What steps should I take if I’m addicted to porn?” I pray this gives you a place to start!
Here are five things that really made a difference for me…
#1 Pursue intimacy with God.
You don’t have a porn problem; you have an intimacy problem.
The more we know God, the more we desire to obey Him. The more we love Him, the less we crave porn. Jesus is the solution to our problems––He solves our deep need for intimacy. But because of the addictive elements of sexual sin, it might take time to die to our passions and to grow the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Maybe you’ve wondered, “Can Jesus really meet my longings and desires for intimacy?” I asked this question too. And I believed the lie that porn met my desires better than Jesus could. Porn portrays fake intimacy, while God and community provide authentic intimacy. Porn shortcuts this natural desire and feeds you unnatural, manufactured pleasure.
#2 Discover your trigger(s).
First you have to figure out your triggers, and then you have to create a plan for how you will respond to those triggers. When you have an urge to watch porn, pause and ask yourself, “What situation, emotion, memory, etc. is triggering me to want to view porn?”
Instead of viewing triggers as a bad thing, it may be helpful to see them as warning lights on the dashboard of your heart. Being triggered reminds us of a need—a need for comfort, healing, love, or safety. Rather than just pushing through temptation and ignoring triggers, God wants us to bring our pain, our loneliness, and our anxiety to Him.
One way to remember how to deal with triggers is through the acronym HALT*. Halt stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. These four triggers are normal physical feelings that we experience. However, when you’re experiencing one of these four legitimate needs, you’re more likely to turn to porn.
In the moments of feeling tempted to turn to porn, ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Next, consider each and brainstorm ways to meet the real need.
- Hungry: What is a healthy snack you can eat in moments of hunger?
- Angry: Why do you feel angry? Who do you need to forgive? Maybe you’re angry at God and wondering why He hasn’t taken your struggle away yet. Can you journal your feelings?
- Lonely: What friend can you call? Can you plan a coffee hangout for tomorrow?
- Tired: Can you take a nap or go on a walk? Sometimes we are actually just bored.
#3 Discover your root issue(s).
People often use porn to escape or numb pain and trauma. For me, looking at porn started out as curiosity and quickly turned into a coping mechanism when I felt sad or lonely. Because I never heard anyone talk about porn being an issue, especially for women, I thought, “What’s the big deal with porn? At least I’m not sleeping around.” Porn became my way of coping with deeper problems and unmet needs.
Real life is hard, and you’ve probably experienced some form of suffering and grief. You could have issues with family members that taught you the opposite of healthy relationships. Maybe you experienced abandonment, emotional neglect, abuse, trauma, etc. These issues could point to your porn problem.
Root issues are the underlying reasons behind your reactions to triggers. Your triggers are what is happening in the present, but your root issues are what happened in the past. For example, Kara leaves a party and goes home knowing she’s going to look at porn. She can’t understand why she feels so lonely, even when surrounded by so many people. The loneliness was the trigger that resulted in her watching porn.
I asked Kara when she started to begin feeling lonely in her life. She mentioned that after her parent’s bad divorce, loneliness often crept in, even when she was around others. Kara lacked a family that loved her deeply and knew her fully. Kara realized that she had a root issue of unaddressed trauma that she needed to process with a counselor.
#4 Understand porn’s impact on your brain.
There are many negative effects of porn addiction, but one of the hardest to overcome is the way porn rewires your brain. Not only is sexual sin addictive, but it’s damaging to your brain. It reconstructs your neurological pathways and bonds you to the images because God created you for intimacy.
When you have sex or masturbate to pornography, your body releases “feel good” chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin. God designed this release to reinforce the bonding between a husband and wife. Over time, a married couple learns to seek comfort and pleasure by pursuing and responding to one another. Many learn to use sex or masturbation as a form of self-medicating. Sexual temptation is less about the desire to have sex and more about escaping feelings of anxiety, restlessness, or depression.
One of the leading movements combating porn is called Fight the New Drug*, reminding us that sex can be misused as a drug because it can hijack the natural pleasure centers of the brain. You then become dependent on the drug to navigate the challenges of life or even to relax or fall asleep. This is not how God intends us to use the gift of sex, whether we are married or not.
#5 Don’t go through this alone.
Join a support group or pursue therapy for porn addiction. As mentioned above, porn is used to cope with different feelings, one of those being anxiety and depression (which often require different mental health treatment options for healing).
You can also find Christian community to walk with you along this journey. Are you actively involved in a local church? If not, look for a church where you can plug in and serve and join a community group or Bible study. We cannot continue our freedom journey alone. This is also a great place to find a Christian mentor and an accountability friend. Pray about asking someone to check in with you regularly to ask about your struggle. There is power in bringing our sins to the light through confession.
Where can I find support for overcoming a porn addiction?
Joining a support group, Bible study, or community group will give you mental health support as you continue on this journey. At Authentic Intimacy, we offer Online Book Studies multiple times per year to help you pursue healing and freedom in community. Learn more about those here.
How do I find a therapist for porn addiction near me?
You could also seek out addiction treatment through the help of a certified Christian sex therapist. I recommend therapists who are a part of the Institute of Sexual Wholeness. (Find a therapist here.) As a Christian, when seeking professional help, you want to find a mental health professional who specializes in sexual addiction and someone who is a Christian.
In the journey of overcoming pornography addiction, it’s crucial to remember that transformation isn’t instantaneous; it’s a gradual process of surrender and dependence on God. As we navigate the hurdles of addiction, we must acknowledge the underlying issues and rewire our brains away from destructive patterns.
Pursuing intimacy with God illuminates the path to true fulfillment, revealing that our cravings for intimacy are ultimately met in Him.
Remember, you’re not alone in this battle. Whether through support groups, therapy, or a biblical community, there are resources available to guide you toward freedom and restoration. As we walk this journey together, let’s lean on God’s strength, knowing that He is faithful to bring healing and renewal to every broken area of our lives.
Sections of this blog are from Dr. Juli Slattery and Dr. Joy Skarka’s upcoming book, Her Freedom Journey: A Guide Out of Porn and Shame to Authentic Intimacy.
*George N. Collins, Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame (Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, 2011), 168.
**I recommend the site https://fightthenewdrug.org/ the book Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development if you would like to learn more on the subject.
