Whenever I have a friend about to get married, I share (with some embarrassment) about how on my own wedding night, after my husband helped me unzip my dress, I scuttled to the bathroom embarrassed about him seeing me naked.
I wish I could say I was young and naive–but I was 27!
I had listened to podcasts, read books, and even briefly discussed the wedding night with my husband-to-be prior to that moment, and yet, nothing had prepared me for how I was going to feel when I found myself alone with him, naked, in a hotel room. And nothing will prepare you either.
Even though we can’t anticipate it all (which is part of the fun), there are a few things it can be helpful to know prior to your wedding day.
You don’t have to have sex on your wedding night.
It can be hard to go from saying “no, no, no” to saying “yes, yes, yes.” I used to find this frustrating, but I now see it as somewhat of a gift. While much of the “how-to” of sex is obvious, the “how-to” of doing it “well” is for many couples an ongoing journey.
Having sex well, or maybe better said, having sex effectively, is a learned skill. Anybody can take their clothes off and move body parts. That’s not what God is calling us to! He’s calling us to intimately know and communicate with one another.
That’s why, despite the pressure you may be feeling to “do it” on your wedding night, after a long and emotional day it might not be the best timing to begin this lifelong journey. What if you just cuddled? Or took a shower together? What if you unpacked the events of the day together and then went to sleep?
That first time the two of you are sexually intimate is just for you to know about, so you don’t have to have ‘done it’ in order to satisfy the nosiness or curiosity of others.
You don’t have to go ‘all the way’ right away.
Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, did not have podcasts or books or mentors to talk to about how to do this whole sex thing. Do you think the first time they were intimate was intercourse?
Dr. Michael Sytsma, a frequent guest on the podcast, has said before that couples tend to skip foreplay and a lot of what he sees as the other necessary steps when it comes to lovemaking. In both the wider culture and in the Church, we seem to have made intercourse the main event. Some circles within the Church even think that other forms of sexual expression don’t count as sin because they aren’t intercourse. I’m not so sure.
While intercourse is necessary for reproductive purposes, it’s not the only way to be intimate with your spouse. Why not start by just making out? Let things progress on their own without having intercourse as an end goal. You and your spouse can even talk about when you feel ready to go “there.”
When a spouse or even both spouses have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, this step can be incredibly helpful in allowing you to slow down, notice, or understand triggers and practice communication around what you feel comfortable with. This is your journey of discovery together. It’s not a race with the fastest to the finish line winning. So don’t rush it. Make sure to take your time getting to know one another in this new way.
You should prepare for it.
It is typical for us to consider preparation for sex through the framework of the movies: shaving legs, spraying cologne, lighting a candle, and playing mood music. That’s not what I mean here. While I would most certainly recommend doing some or all of those things, often the most necessary forms of wedding night preparation are the most underutilized.
If you haven’t had sex before the wedding, your body doesn’t know what to do, and you can’t know in advance how you’re going to feel. A few months before my wedding, I visited my gynecologist and had a wellness check. She made sure I was healthy, and when I shared about having sex for the first time in the near future, she warned me about some things I might feel and what I would need to do to avoid discomfort. I think she even recommended a lubricant. It was helpful for me as a woman whose sexual organs are mostly out of view to be certain I knew all the body parts involved and had some idea of how they were designed to react during arousal.
While I’m not a man, I think a similar exercise would be incredibly helpful. Make sure you understand your own body, and have at least a general understanding of your spouse’s sexual organs and how they function. Lastly, set some healthy and realistic expectations around wedding night sex and marital sex as a whole.
It would also be wise to talk to other trustworthy people in your life who are already married. What has their experience been? What advice do they have? Talking to others can help both of you cultivate a level of ease in talking about sex and help you get on the same page about what your wedding night (or morning!) will look like.
God designed sex for marriage, and His desire is for it to be something that is a pleasant experience for you and your spouse. My prayer for you is that your experience of it will draw you closer to Him and closer to your spouse.
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