Over the years I’ve had many conversations with husbands and wives who have walked through betrayal. There are always questions: Should I stay? Will our marriage ever recover? How do I know if I can trust my spouse again?
Of all of the challenges in the wake of infidelity, the most sensitive one to broach is often sex. For the betrayed spouse, sex feels even more vulnerable and can be incredibly triggering. For the one that has stepped outside of marriage, sexual desire can be associated with shame and fear. Should a couple who has experienced infidelity give up on sex altogether? Or is there a way to approach sex again that feels safe and honest for both people?
Although this is a complicated process with no cookie-cutter formula, I want to outline a few strategies that can help you and your spouse overcome betrayal in marriage and begin to rebuild sexual intimacy.
Take a break from sex.
Many couples who decide to stay and rebuild think the best approach is to keep going with life as normal, including sex. This approach can be painful for the betrayed spouse and damaging for the marriage as a whole.
In interviews with experts like Dr. Michael Sytsma and Jeremy Smith, LPC, I’ve learned that taking a break is often the first and best step for couples who have experienced betrayal. For some couples, this has meant moving to separate bedrooms for a time. Others like Nate Larkin, recommend not only separating rooms, but also avoiding all sexual experiences for a pre-agreed period of time.
Don’t rush the time apart because it feels uncomfortable or because you’re afraid the absence of sex will cause more infidelity. This time apart from each other sexually will give you space to examine what led to the betrayal in the first place.
Talk with a counselor.
The break in intimacy allows both of you time to do the individual work of processing what happened and how it has affected the way you see yourselves, your spouse, and your relationship with the Lord. Many therapists believe that it is better to do this individual work before marriage counseling. This is especially important when the betrayal was discovered instead of a couple having a full disclosure. Counselor-facilitated disclosures can be the difference between oversharing or undersharing and only saying what needs to be said. When done well, this can be a helpful first step towards rebuilding trust through honesty and transparency.
Establish a new foundation built on trust.
By design, sex is a vulnerable and intimate act. You can’t be intimate with someone you don’t trust. Many couples find that a new level of transparency is required to rebuild trust. For some this means having the ability to periodically check a spouse’s phone or email; for others it’s as simple as traveling for work together instead of separately or sharing calendars and locations. Whatever path you and your spouse choose, none of this can be achieved without clear communication.
An unhealed betrayed spouse may struggle with behaviors and demands that seek to punish the spouse who was unfaithful. A spouse who was unfaithful might assume the betrayed spouse wants to know their every move when that may not be the case. The two of you will need to talk through these feelings and expectations. This won’t just be one conversation. As you shift into your new normal, you may recognize new things that are pain points or triggers, and you’ll need to work through them together. Be prepared to be honest and flexible in order to best meet each other’s emotional needs. A skilled counselor can help you and your spouse do this well.
Re-establish sexual intimacy slowly.
Though the goal may be to rebuild sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy is the main priority. Without it, sexual intimacy isn’t intimacy–it’s just sex. As you build emotional intimacy and trust, you and your spouse will be able to consider engaging sexually again.
Remember that this is not a return to the way things were, but a new path you are forging together. You’re going to need to talk about it and ease into it. Dr. Michael Sytsma advises that a couple trying to rebuild in this area start with simply holding hands, then kissing, and progress slowly from there.
Slowing down will leave room for both of you to process openly with one another about how you feel when, for example, the lights are turned off or when one of you may be triggered. You’ll also be able to see how your feelings towards each other impact the way you feel sexually towards one another.
Some couples establish certain boundaries around sex while restoring intimacy. For example, they may agree to only have sex with the lights on or in their bedroom, or they may only engage in certain types of sexual activities. These are not forever rules but can be tools that help rebuild trust emotionally and sexually.
Rebuilding intimacy after infidelity is brave, vulnerable, and deep work. It is an admirable thing to pursue, but that doesn’t make it easy. Be patient with yourself and with your spouse. Trust God’s ways and His timing. Lastly, remember that God can turn even the darkest and most painful places in our lives into places of healing and restoration.
Additional Resources:
#228 Intimacy After Infidelity
#480 How to Heal and Rebuild Trust and Sexual Intimacy After An Affair
