At Authentic Intimacy we hear quite frequently from people that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex and sexual issues. Even couples who regularly engage sexually with one another struggle to know how to talk about their sexual relationship!
Why is it we’re more comfortable having sex than we are talking about it?
Many of us lack role models we can look to when it comes to how to think and talk about sex. Outside the Church, discussion around sex lacks the biblical perspective on purpose and personhood. Within the Church, the discussion has often been missing altogether.
Where should you start if you don’t know how to talk to your spouse about sex? Here are a few ideas to help get you started:
Be honoring.
Before any conversations around sex in your relationship can happen, you have to begin by honoring your spouse. Before they are your spouse, they are God’s beloved, made in His image to do His works. When tensions arise around the sexual relationship, it’s easy for a husband or wife to become selfish and self-focused, ignoring the personhood of their spouse or simply dismissing their needs.
Your spouse is a sexual person, but more than that, they are a person. How can you approach your spouse in a way that validates all of him or her: emotions, health, stressors, and other impacts on their feelings?
Be self-aware.
Why are you approaching your spouse about sex? What outcome are you pursuing? How are you feeling in the moments before initiating a discussion?
Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, and this applies to conversations about sex too! Initiating a conversation when tired, frustrated, aroused, depressed, or even hungry can make having a healthy, fair conversation harder. Ask God to help you examine your heart and motives before approaching your spouse, and let the Holy Spirit guide you to choose the right moment for this important conversation.
Be empathetic.
When you think about your spouse as a whole person, it becomes easier to empathize with their feelings. If the difficulty in your sexual relationship is around lack of frequency or your spouse’s lack of sexual enjoyment, it can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes.
There are four common reasons why a spouse may not enjoy sex or want to engage in it:
Relational issues – no emotional intimacy, too much conflict, poor communication
If you heard the Java with Juli episode featuring Dave and Ann Wilson, relational issues meant that the last thing Ann wanted to do was engage sexually with her husband, even though he’d been thoughtful and romantic on their anniversary. How does your spouse feel about your relationship?
Lack of understanding – not knowing how male and female bodies work sexually
Many Christian couples come to the marital bed with a limited understanding of the basics of female and male genitalia and how the bodies work and react during sex. This can lead to a lot of physical pain and a lot of frustration. Does your spouse feel comfortable sexually so they can enjoy it?
Trauma – abuse or past events that have shaped feelings around sex
Was there a traumatic sexual event in your spouse’s past? If your spouse has experienced any level of abuse or trauma related to sex, they are going to have to work through that before they can consider engaging sexually with you. You can’t force them to move on. Your job is to be supportive as they seek help.
Negative messaging around sex – messages about sex that create shame or demonize sexuality
In general, the Church hasn’t had a lot of positive things to say about sex. Teens were told sex was bad or dirty, and demeaning names were assigned to people whose sexual sins were brought out into the open. It’s no surprise that many men and women feel ashamed about being sexual people and experiencing pleasure and arousal. A great deal of our work at Authentic Intimacy involves untangling these negative sexual narratives and teaching healthy, biblical ones. What messages has your spouse received about sex?
Understanding where your spouse is coming from when it comes to sex will help you engage them in ways that build trust and emotional intimacy—the perfect breeding ground for a healthy sex life.
Be curious.
Because so many of us lack role models when it comes to communication around sexuality, it can be difficult to know what words to use or how to talk about sexual issues.
Team up with your spouse and get equipped together. Many couples begin this journey by reading a book together. It gives them the language needed to be able to talk about sex in safe, concrete ways and makes them more confident in engaging in discussions about sex.
Be brave.
The truth is that talking about sex never gets less vulnerable. Sexual issues are very emotionally laden, and talking about them always comes with the risk of triggering shame, insecurity, and even conflict.
Use honesty and sensitivity, and listen carefully. The work of connecting in this vulnerable space can be challenging, but it is a necessary hurdle to overcome in cultivating greater intimacy with your spouse, not just sexually, but emotionally too.
Additional Resources:
Book: God, Sex, and Your Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery
Blog: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Fear in Marriage
Blog: Sexual Entitlement: What it is and Why it is Ruining Your Marriage
