We’ve had several conversations on Java with Juli about teaching kids about sexual integrity and talking with them about their bodies, but as parents often the scariest aspect of raising our children is protecting them from sexual harm.
We can’t always be with them, so how can we be proactive as we try to keep them safe?
A few months ago Juli sat down with Dr. Julia Sadusky, author of the books “Start Talking To Your Kids About Sex” and “Talking with Your Teen About Sex”, about how we can equip our children with the tools they need to be better protected from sexual harm and abuse.
Parents are often squeamish, so why is it important to lay the right foundation early on?
The number one thing we can do as adults to protect children is teach them the accurate terms for their genitalia in the zero to three-year-old range. It helps kids have a sense of clarity about those body parts and limited understanding, but nonetheless an understanding, of what they are and what they’re for. It lets you talk about private areas and set a framework for that. So if a person is trying to perpetrate harm, which with young kiddos can be quite gradual, you would get cues from that child earlier on in the process.
It reduces shame around the body long-term and is very important and valuable training for the thing parents are understandably squeamish about it.
Is it possible to tell kids too much about sex too soon?
That’s rare. I think I’ve heard that only a handful of times in the years that I’ve been a clinician. I think Christians lean in the other direction out of fear of that reality. Most often what I hear is people didn’t get [any conversations about sex] at all or up until puberty. And then there’s this one conversation that is meant to be sufficient, and it’s not.
How do I explain sex to my young kids?
The challenge parents bump up against with kids around three to six is that those children have a really hard time containing information. I usually bump that conversation to a little later, maybe seven to nine, once they’re really able to learn a little bit more about biology, which is valuable when you’re trying to explain sex in some kind of way. With three to six-year-olds, their ability for abstract thinking is quite limited, and so I don’t know that they’re really going to get it then.
What’s normal in terms of curiosity and play? How should parents set boundaries without shaming their kids?
Normative play for kids in the 0 to 6 range is exploratory play. They learn through their senses, so sight, touch, taste, smell. The normalcy of the behavior doesn’t mean you don’t engage your kids about what they’re doing; it just means it’s very common. What becomes more concerning would be for example if you redirect a child and set a boundary, do they persist in that behavior? Another red flag would be the use of aggression.
To set boundaries, first take a deep breath, because you’re having a huge reaction inside. All you have to say is, “Hey, we don’t play that way. So we’re going to put our clothes back on. What else would you like to do?” Don’t have the whole conversation right then in the heat of the moment. Have that conversation with your child when they’re calm.
I’ve heard it’s wise not to force kids to show physical affection. Do parents need to help their kids set boundaries with others?
Parents want to and should be able to let their children interact with family members and friends who are important to them. The problem is telling kids, “You need to sit on their lap,” or handing kids off to friends and saying, “Make sure you look them in the eye. Make sure you give them a hug.” That can lead to kids feeling that politeness trumps comfort so that when a person asks them for other behaviors or touch that they aren’t comfortable with, they feel obligated to comply to be polite.
Kids process that differently than what parents typically intend, and it creates vulnerability. Parents need to account for that. There are ways to convey respect and increase familiarity between kids and adults who are family and friends without creating that politeness expectation.
For answers to questions about sleepovers, boundaries at home with electronics, and how to navigate mixed ages amongst children, listen to the full conversation here.
