Betrayal in marriage is devastating, and it comes in many different forms: discovering your spouse had an affair, finding out your husband or wife is addicted to porn, learning through search history about solicitation of prostitutes, or even trying to recover from an emotional affair.
In every form, the betrayed spouse is left to wonder if there is any possibility of being able to trust the spouse again. How can they know if what they are seeing and hearing is the real deal or just a shadow of it?
A few months ago I sat down with Licensed Professional Counselor and Sexual Recovery Therapist Jeremy Smith to talk about what betrayal recovery is and what spouses should look for when looking for repentance.
What was your journey of recovery like?
Before I got married, I was eight years addicted and dating a girl. In that process, the Holy Spirit was very heavy on me saying, “You have no right to move into this relationship until you have dealt with your secrets and lies. You need to disclose them to her at some point if you end up getting married.”
I called off our relationship, got into a recovery group, did a 12-step recovery program, and got a sense of freedom, not just from the behavior, but from the emotional and spiritual burden of porn addiction.
It was a beautiful thing that God had led me to face my addiction before getting married. My wife and I walked into our marriage on full vulnerable honesty, authentic intimacy, and not this false intimacy with a little secret in the closet.
How can somebody know that the person they’re dating or the person they’re married to has hope for recovery?
They need to understand the difference between first, second, and third-order change. First-order change is just behavior alone. All that changed was behavior, they did it or they didn’t. In those cases, is he viewing pornography? Is he having sex outside of marriage? If those behaviors have ceased, that first-order change response would say, he’s done the work, he’s good, why are you having a problem?
That is not genuine recovery, that’s just behavior management.
How is second-order change different?
For a guy, second-order change is, what is the way that he’s thinking? How does he actually view himself? How does he view you? How does he view the relationship? What’s different in the way that he talks, in the way that he engages, in the way that he sees sexuality? What’s different in the way that he even is motivated to go to therapy? It’s the way he’s thinking: that’s second-order change.
It sounds like it’s taking responsibility, not blaming, really wanting a different heart. Humility, repentance, really a desire to be a different person. Third-order change goes even deeper, so what does that look like?
The third order change is identity. It’s a complete rewrite of who I am and that I am no longer even defined as an addict. He realizes he is the son who’s welcomed back after taking the inheritance, running away, and yet he’s still the son. He’s still beloved. That sense of beloved identity, once that clicks, it changes the way they think and it changes the way they behave.
Who is betrayal recovery for?
It’s so complex. Betrayal recovery is needed for the spouse who was betrayed. Recovery is also needed for the addict or the spouse who was unfaithful. But the marriage system also needs its own recovery work–it needs help to rediscover regular marriage dynamics and post-betrayal dynamics.
Looking for next steps after a betrayal? Check out this blog post and this episode from our member archive.
Listen to the full episode here.
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