Unfortunately, the porn industry is a multibillion dollar endeavor that looks like it’s here to stay. One study from 2021 found that approximately 24% of 18-24 year olds considered pornography to be the most helpful source of information about sex.1 Early exposure and addiction to porn continues to increase rapidly, with boys and girls as young as 10 getting hooked well before adolescence.
Porn not only enslaves those who look at it; it also has far-reaching societal impacts on how the general population views sex and defines healthy sexuality. While much of the world celebrates porn as “sexual freedom,” my heart grieves. I’ve seen the impact of pornography on men, women, and children and have found that this type of “freedom” is really bondage.
As a society, we are learning more and more about the negative impact of pornography on people’s sexual and emotional health and relationships, and we know that porn kills intimacy, but we are discovering increasingly that pornography is sabotaging relationships well before they begin. Whether or not you’ve ever used porn, it is impacting you. Why? Because the wide use and acceptance of pornography has changed sexual norms and expectations in our culture.
Whether you are male or female, married or single, it’s important for you to understand how pornography has impacted the way you and those around you think about sex.
Porn has decreased the value of sex.
I’ve studied the research of sociologists Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker in their fascinating book “Premarital Sex in America”. They explain that sexuality doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but romantic relationships are impacted by the attitudes and beliefs of the culture.
While pornography use has increased for women (a recent survey found that around 22% of women consume porn regularly) men are still the primary consumers of porn, with around 61% claiming to engage with it on a daily or weekly basis.2 It is largely their engagement with porn that Regenurus and Uecker explore in their research.
They note that historically, women have always set the “price” for their sexuality. When a man’s sexual desire drove him to a woman, the woman got to determine what she required for her sexuality. She was the sexual gatekeeper. In God’s design, a man needs to be willing to make a lifetime commitment to love and provide for a woman in order to have the freedom to interact with her sexually.
Conversely, pornography gives both men and women a sexual outlet that comes at no cost to them. Regnerus and Uecker write, “The ubiquity and perceived quality of digital porn has the capacity to sexually satiate more men—and more often — than ever before… If the porn-and-masturbation satisfies some of the male demand for intercourse—and it clearly does—it reduces the value of real intercourse” (p99). Where God’s design is for sex between a husband and wife to embody mutual humility, love and sacrifice, reflecting His covenant love for His church, pornography reduces the value of sex to the simple satiating of a need.
This means that sacrifice and commitment are no longer prerequisites for sexual intimacy to be enjoyed. Because the value of sex in our culture has decreased, there are many women (and some men) who feel they cannot demand commitment for sex. Instead of trust and commitment in exchange for sex, individuals are more willing to exchange sex for a couple of dates or an hour or two of attention. This is also why we see an increase in hookup culture and cohabitation rather than getting married.
While many men and women may enjoy non-committed sex in the moment, in the long-term, the effects of many sexual partners can and often do impact them for years to come, and research has shown that having sex outside of marriage with lots of partners disproportionately affects women.3 When a woman is involved sexually outside of marriage, she is likely to experience guilt, regret, temporary self-loathing, rumination, diminished self-esteem, a sense of having let herself down, discomfort about having to lie or conceal sex from family, anxiety over depth and course of the relationship, and concern over the place of sex in the relationship (p137). Having sex outside of a committed relationship or with multiple partners over a lifetime is associated with poor emotional health in women. Regnerus and Uecker write, “Even getting married doesn’t erase the emotional challenges for women who have had numerous sexual partners in their lifetime” (p149). When men use porn, women are set up for loneliness, regret, and the pressure to compromise their spiritual and emotional health.
Porn has changed expectations of what’s normal.
Even within marriage, we can see the impact of a culture that has embraced porn and sex without hesitation. One of the most common questions I get asked about sexuality addresses young marriages in which men are not interested in sex. I hear from an increasing number of young wives who are devastated to be asking for sex, wondering why he isn’t initiating. On the other side of things, many women feel “broken” because of their inability to react like the women they have seen in porn, and many men feel frustrated that they seem unable to pleasure their wives in the way they think they should. While there are many possible reasons for these issues, without a doubt the greatest culprit is porn.
When young men and women have grown up looking at pornography and satisfying their desires through masturbation, they learn to view sex as consumers. I should get what I want, when and how I want it. Sex becomes about obtaining pleasure, excitement, and a release for personal benefit. Porn doesn’t demand anything from a person but exists to immediately cater to every sexual fantasy. Porn trains a person’s sexual response to be impatient, selfish, and always demanding something more exciting than what was experienced last time.
Transfer those beliefs to a sexual relationship in marriage, and you have a train wreck. Having sex with a real person who has feelings and their own sexual needs means you have to be patient, understanding, and unselfish. Most sex within marriage will be “normal” (no toys, strange positions, role playing, nor bizarre fantasies) and will not cater to an appetite for something more. The reality is that it takes time and hard work to build true intimacy as spouses explore the gift of sexuality together. Instead of working toward this magnificent goal, the man or woman involved with porn more readily returns to a sexual release that requires no personal sacrifice.
While the premise of porn is that it demands nothing, it eventually steals everything. You were not designed to engage in a series of extreme sexual experiences. You are designed for authentic intimacy, celebrated and expressed through sex with a real person who is committed to loving you generously and unselfishly for a lifetime. I have never met a man or woman who is truly satisfied with porn. While porn use may be “normal,” that by no means suggests that it is healthy.
What can you do?
This blog post may not be uplifting, but there are facts and issues here that we need to address. I hope and pray that this challenges you to confront the acceptance of porn in your life, in your marriage, and in our culture. Using pornography, whether online, in video, or in written form, is not just a personal choice, it is a decision that impacts the people and even the culture around us.
Be confident and courageous in exchanging counterfeit intimacy for building the real deal.
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