Couples sometimes ask how often they should be having sex. It’s a fair question, particularly if there is disagreement between the husband and wife on frequency. For what it’s worth, research indicates that couples who have sex at least once a week have greater relationship satisfaction. But in this blog I want to suggest that for some couples, in some seasons, they may actually need to take a break from sex in order to build true sexual intimacy.
While sex is sacred in nature, the act of sex is just that… an act. Sex can be an incredibly vulnerable and intimate act, or it can be two bodies using each other for a sexual outlet. Not all sex is sexual intimacy.
You might be doing harm to your marriage or your spouse by engaging in sexual activity when there are serious underlying issues that need to be addressed.
Even the Bible in I Corinthians 7 suggests that there is a reason to decide as a couple to fast from sex in order to pray. Typically, we assume Paul is referring to praying about something else, but what if that prayer is meant to be directed toward a barrier in your own marriage?
Here are four specific situations in which a couple may want to postpone the act of sex in order to learn to develop deeper intimacy in their sexual relationship.
1. A past or current struggle with pornography. Whether or not your struggle with pornography is ongoing, the images you have consumed don’t go away. Those who have engaged with pornography, both men and women, may find that they can’t become aroused without mentally referring back to past images and experiences. Is it really intimacy if either the husband or wife is mentally responding to a pornographic image of a stranger while having sex? In essence, you are using your spouse as a physical outlet while your mind relies on lust to become aroused. But how do you break free and learn to engage with each other?
Experts in the field of addiction recovery suggest a sexual fast to allow your brain to heal and rewire. Abstaining from all sex, including masturbation, for approximately 90 days can help reset your sexual response.
2. The impact of past trauma. When you have experienced sexual trauma, one of the brain’s primary protective mechanisms is dissociation. This means that you become mentally numb or distant even as your body goes through the motions of sex. Dissociation can feel as extreme as an “out of body” experience or even having no memory of a sexual encounter.
While this protective mechanism helps us cope with overwhelming pain or trauma, it becomes a barrier to sexual intimacy within marriage. The most intimate sex occurs when a husband and wife are able to be fully present with each other. By its very definition, dissociation prevents this from happening.
Instead of addressing the fear and memories that sexual acts can trigger, some couples go decades with this pattern of having sex without being able to truly be present with each other. If this describes your marriage, I encourage you to consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who can help you work through the memories and triggers sex has come to represent. You might also check out Cliff and Joyce Penner’s book Restoring the Pleasure, in which they provide therapeutic exercises helping a couple reconnect emotionally in the journey of sexual intimacy.
3. Physical pain during intercourse. Research indicates that 70% of women experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives. While there are many reasons, the end result is the same–it causes a woman to associate sex with pain. Pain produces fear, which can result in the inability to relax during sex, perpetuating even more pain. Over the years, the advice to women has been to “just relax” or “have a glass of wine before sex.” And so most wives endure pain, just accepting there is nothing that can be done to help. Sex therapists say this is the worst thing you can do because you are training your body to fear sex. Instead, it’s critical to seek expertise on the source of the pain, which can be physical, hormonal, psychological, or some combination of these. Fortunately, there is a growing field of experts, including sex therapists and pelvic floor therapists who can help diagnose and treat sexual pain. In the meantime, couples are better off curtailing sexual intercourse and finding other ways to engage sexually with each other.
4. Betrayal recovery. Sexual betrayal, whether it involved an affair or repeated discovery of porn use, erodes the trust and safety of a marriage. Intimacy is impossible without trust. You can have sex with someone you don’t trust, but you can’t be intimate. Unfortunately, couples often short-circuit the work required to rebuild trust after a betrayal. When they quickly work through an apology without addressing the deeper issues, they will rebuild sexual activity without the trust required to build true sexual intimacy. In fact, the offended spouse may actually feel pressure to re-engage sexually to prevent further betrayal. Let’s be clear. Each individual is responsible for their own sexual integrity.
Experts in the marriage field suggest that it takes a minimum of two years for a couple to heal from the impact of sexual betrayal. During that time, particularly in the early months, re-engaging sexually may do more harm than good in the recovery process.
Pressing “pause” on sexual intercourse isn’t going to solve these challenges, but is intended to provide the space for your body, your brain, and your relationship to heal so that you are able to experience true sexual intimacy. It’s not enough just to stop having sex. Instead, you use the opportunity to address the underlying issues and build a safer foundation on which you can resume sexual activity with increased intimacy.
